Yesterday was one of the days that I term “bad days”. Everything ached to the point where it was too painful to move. My mind felt confused and fogged and could not settle on any one thought for long and with no sort of clarity. On days like this there is nothing I can really do. I can’t just push through it in the hope that it wears off, as it never does, and instead means that I will have several days like this in a row. I can’t focus the muscles in my eyes enough to use the computer or watch television. Noise is just irritating and makes my head hurt. I gave in and spent the day laying on the sofa, occasionally playing a song on the MP3 player and then resting for a while before trying to listen to another one.
I was feeling rather frustrated and miserable, which really isn’t uncommon for me on days like those. I don’t suffer from depression, but I defy anyone finding that yet again they are constrained to a day on the sofa with little that can entertain them to be happy about it.
One of the songs that I listened to became today’s title because it hit a nerve. The song speaks of a person’s entire world ending because they have lost the person that they love and the amazement that nothing has changed for anyone else. That your world has come to an end, but that everyone else doesn’t notice.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to tell you that Mr Wench and I are going our separate ways. For me though, it does feel that a large part of my life has ended, or at least been put on hold, probably indefinitely. I can’t spend evenings hunched over a sewing machine enjoying creating myself a new outfit, as I can’t concentrate on it for long enough and I make too many mistakes as well as struggling with the physical capability of sitting at the machine for any length of time. I cannot sing, as my throat muscles tire too quickly and my voice constantly goes out of tune, much to my bitter frustration. I can’t dance. I guess that is obvious as that is pure physical exertion, but something I had loved doing.
The problem is that the world hasn’t ended for anyone else (except perhaps poor Mr Wench, struggling to look after me and keep me sane). I watch the people I learned to dance with going on to perform wonderful dance shows. New dancers learning, surpassing me and going on to enjoy their performances. Friends getting married and starting new families. Lives carrying on…
I’m just a stranger looking out at it all now. People can’t sit back and not get on with their lives just because mine is on hold. I wouldn’t want everyone to stop their busy lives either, not really. I sit here trapped in my limbo, chatting through the faceless internet to the friends that I once spent so much time with as I cannot cope even with the limited strain of a phone conversation. I keep myself happy with the thoughts of our wonderful wedding plans, that in reality we both know is unlikely to happen as I am just not physically capable of that level of social interaction currently.
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world? It ended when I got ME.